


This is entirely Loki's fault

by SpacePancake



Series: Revengers stuff [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Adventure Zone (Podcast), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Complete crack fic, F/M, Genderfluid Loki, I have literally nothing planned, I'm just having some fun, I'm sorry class, M/M, charaters have exaggerated personalities, every other marvel character is irrelevant, i have no plot, literally no one asked for this crossover, this starts at that fight at the start of infinity war on the statesman but then its not, written like a crack fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-02 00:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15784827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpacePancake/pseuds/SpacePancake
Summary: Yeah that fight on the statesman at the start of infinity war? Never happened. Instead Loki used the space stone and got the fuck out of there once they saw Thanos. Loki teleported the Revengers from the MCU into... THE ADVENTURE ZONEThis is a complete crack fic. I'm just having some fun fam. Expect crack fic level writing.





	1. Hulk finds Dogs

“Why the fuck is Thanos here?” Thor asked, before looking pointedly at Loki.

Loki threw up his arms. “Why do you think everything that goes wrong is my fault?”

“Because most of the time it is?”

Loki pouted. “Just because you’re right about it being my fault this time, doesn’t mean you win.” He said before pulling out the space stone from a dimensional pocket space.

“Is that the Tesseract?” Bruce asked.

“No,” Loki replied dryly, “I just thought now was the perfect time to show you my favourite blue glowing rock.”

“Don’t be rude.” Thor scolded.

“I think we should focus on the space stone, Thor.” Valkyrie said. “How about we just use it to teleport somewhere that will buy it for a high price and boom! Problem solved.”

“No,” Thor said, “We need to make sure Thanos doesn’t get his hands on it. We fight.”

“Orrrrr we could not do that.” Loki said. “How about we just use the space stone to teleport out of here before Thanos gets on board?”

“Can you teleport the whole ship?” Thor asked sceptically.

“Well… no. But I’m sure Thanos would leave everyone else alone if we brought the Tesseract somewhere else.”

“We can’t take that risk. We’ve got to protect our people.”

“Oh yeah?” Loki raised an eyebrow. “What’s your plan, big guy? Punch the bad guys up real good?”

“I make great plans!”

“Oh yeah?” Loki said, before taking up a dangerous tone. “Oh yeah?? You want me to put you on blast because I have several journals filled entirely with your mistakes right in my pocket dimension.”

“Don’t.” Thor warned.

“You want me to bring up wedding incident? You really want me to do that?”

“You used to be my brother.” Thor protested at the slander he was being faced with.

“Moving the fuck on, my point is your plans always suck, so I’m taking initiative in this one.”

“I think the fuck not.”

“Sorry, white Stanley Kirk Burrell, I got a nat 20.” Loki shrugged.

“What were you even rolling for?” Thor argued.

Loki waved his hand as if he were physically brushing away the question. “Now let’s get this shit in the fan.”

“Getting shit in the fan is a bad thing.” Bruce interjected.

Loki rolled his eyes. “I can’t be expected to be an expert on all your stupid Midgardian idioms, Bill Bixby.”

“What’s with all the references?” Valkyrie asked, finishing her sixth bottle of alcohol since the conversation began and letting the bottle fall to the floor and shatter.

“I find that they really confuse people.” Loki replied.

She reached for her seventh bottle. “Cool beans, Severus.”

“Right.” Loki said. “Let’s blow this joint.”

Thor protested. “We can’t! We have to make sure everyone is okay.”

“What was that, Thor? I can’t hear you very well. Use the Tesseract immediately and think about the consequences later? Sure, sure. I got you, dawg.”

“This isn’t the time for hilarious goofs, Loki.” Thor said, making a grab for the space stone.

“Hey yo, Tesseract bring us as far away from Thanos as you can!” Loki yelled at the box, which began to glow a fantastic bright blue.

Thor was still trying to wrestle the slowly activating tesseract from his brother when Heimdall walked in. “My King?” He said, quite monotone but still in dismay at their lack of doing anything whatsoever before he caught sight of the glowing Tesseract. “Uh, what the fuck?”

It was then that the Tesseract grew immediately brighter and all five of them disappeared, Valkyrie’s bottle shattering as it hit the ground.

-

Magnus Burnsides consider himself a pretty chill dude most of the time, but he could admit that when he saw the hulking green monster ripping trees from the ground and tossing them away with ease, his heart sped up a little.

Still, it wasn’t cool to destroy the environment, so Magnus decided that he had to intervene and hope it wouldn’t resort to violence. Like an absolute idiot, he hadn’t brought the flaming poisoning raging sword of doom with him to get more dog food. He was such a fool.

“Hey buddy.” Magnus began. The dude turned to face him and let out a snort like an angry bull. Magnus instinctually took a step backwards and reached for his axe. “What did those trees ever do to you?”

The guy looked at the tree in his hands, holding it as easily as Magnus would hold a baseball bat or another much smaller tree. “Your tree?” He asked.

“Well, my property so kinda, yeah.” Magnus replied.

He awkwardly tried to put the tree back in place. “Hulk sorry, Hulk just get… angry.”

Magnus let himself relax a little. “It's alright, dude. We all have our downer moments, I'll just get Merle to do something horrifically sexual to the trees and they should be fine.”

Magnus looked up the guy - Hulk, he had said - and struggled to place his species. An orc maybe? He'd ask later. It didn't seem the right moment to bring it up.

“So, Hulk, buddy.” Magnus began. “What's got you so angry?”

Hulk growled, but somehow Magnus trusted that he wouldn't take out his anger on him. “Thanos.” He punched his hand. “Puny god. Can't find my friends.”

“Who are your friends? Maybe I know them.”

Hulk looked like he was concentrating hard. “Uh, Thor… Angry Girl, Valkyrie. Heimdall. Are Hulk’s Friends. Loki is dumb but also Hulk’s friend.”

Magnus chuckled at that last childish insult. “Can't say I've heard of them, but I'll get you some tea so you can calm down a little and we can try… retracing your steps? Or asking around? Someone’s bound to have seen them. Do you like dogs?”

Hulk’s eyes lit up. “Dogs?”

“That's where I'm heading - to my training centre.” Magnus explained. “You just gotta promise to treat them better than these trees.”

Hulk nodded solemnly. “Hulk be gentle. Pretend dogs is eggs.”

“Good plan.” Magnus said before he began walking to lead the way. As Hulk followed him, the ground shook very slightly and it sounded like a storm had rolled in.

They didn't speak much on the walk, Hulk described his friends a bit more, and with his vague descriptions, Magnus had to guess that his friends were humans or elves.

With the names his friends had, they had to be worshippers of the norse pantheon. There was a temple of Tyr nearby they could look in first after Magnus got Hulk calmed down. He was better than before, but Magnus could still hear his angry breathing and when they were walking side by side at one point, Magnus could see that his fists were clenched tight. It would be easier to search with a clear head.

When they got to the building Magnus led Hulk to the kitchen, glad he'd decided to get high ceilings. “Are you alright with Oolong?”

Hulk snorted. “Hulk isn't monster.”

“No doubt, no doubt.” Magnus replied and pressed the button on the kettle to get it to start boiling. Lucas Miller may be kinda a dick, but at least his stolen inventions made things easier.

“So, where you from, big guy?” Magnus asked as the water started boiling.

Hulk looked around before answering. “Earth.”

“Huh, never heard of it.”

“Sometimes called Terra?”

“Nope.” Magnus replied with a shrug.

Hulk let out a grunt that might've been his own variation of a ‘huh’ and downed his tea in one gulp. “Dogs?”

Magnus laughed. “Sure,” he said, “I'll show you my good boys and then we'll start looking for your friends. Are you guys an adventuring party?”

Hulk nodded. “We like parties.”

“Never mind.”

Magnus led Hulk to the kennels and closed the door to his living space. He pointed ahead. “If you got to the play room, I can let all the dogs out. They need to play for a bit anyway. But you've got to be super careful. Alright, bud? Some of them are puppies.”

Hulk nodded enthusiastically and ran ahead to the large playroom. When Magnus heard a large thump, he assumed the guy had sat down.

Magnus let all of the dogs out of their kennels and each of them raced to the playroom as soon as they were let out. He  
would have to call Killian and ask if she could walk them later if he was going to be busy looking for Hulk’s friends.

He followed the last dog into the playroom and found the Hulk absolutely drowning in dogs. None of them seemed to have any hesitation towards the guy.

The Hulk was laughing a monstrous and roaring laugh. He held up one of the smaller dogs to Magnus and pointed to it. “Puppy!”

Magnus found himself joining Hulk in his laughter. “It sure is, big guy.”

The Hulk continued laughing as the puppies jumped on him and licked his skin.

Was he… shrinking?

Hulk’s laughter grew softer and he continued to shrink, his green skin turned pink. Eventually he looked less like an oversized orc and more like Barry Bluejeans.

The man held the puppy in his hands up to his face and let out a simple “huh.” (Which seemed to be the non-word of the day)

Magnus cleared his throat to get the man’s attention and waved awkwardly. “Uh, hey?”

“Oh, hi.” The man said. “I'm Bruce Banner. I'd shake your hand, but…” he half-gestured to the dogs he was engulfed in.

Magnus decided he must be a little different from the Hulk if he was reintroducing himself, so Magnus decided to return the introduction. “Magnus Burnsides.”

 


	2. Loki meets Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dumb chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops haven't uploaded in ages ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

“Well,” Loki said feeling the magic of the air and realising it was completely different from the magic in his world, “Thor is going to kill me.”

“Not if I do first.”

Loki whipped his head around and jumped from the log he was sitting on.

He was looking at a skeleton in gothic attire, scythe in hand. For a brief moment, Loki thought it was – rather impossibly – a strageler from Hela’s army, until it spoke.

In a heavy cockney accent.

“Ah, sorry. That was weird. I thought it'd be a dramatic line to enter on but I should've just done the raven cloud thing, it's a lot more impressive.”

“I'll forgive you this time.” Loki shrugged.

“Thanks,” the skeleton said, before pausing as if realising what he just said, and rather quickly pulling a scroll from the air, “I mean, Loki Odinson, by order of the Raven Queen-”

“That's not me.”

The skeleton paused again. “Uh, I'm pretty sure it is.”

“I've started calling myself Loki Liesmith recently? You know, the alliteration helps with the branding and I get to renounce my father so it's win-win.”

He somehow sighed. “Loki Liesmith, by order of the Raven Queen-”

“Why are you here?” Loki interrupted.

“I was literally about to say that.”

“Then stop waffling, Skeletor.”

There was a rather long pause before the skeleton continued. “Loki Liesmith, by order of the Raven Queen-”

“There you go again – waffling.”

“I'm not waffling,” he argued, “I was literally just about to say why I'm here.”

“You so are. Just say it straight up.”

“I would if you'd stop interrupting me.”

Loki shrugged, “Sorry. Go ahead.”

“Loki-”

“Waffling.” Loki pointed out.

“You're going to ghost jail!”

“You could've just said that,” Loki said with a shrug (and Jack Skellington looked like he was about to explode), “but uh, I'm good? Thanks.”

“You're… good?”

“Yeah,” Loki confirmed, “Ghost jail isn't really in ya boy’s agenda, you know? Got shit to do.”

The skeleton man stood stock still for a moment. “Yeah. I'm gonna reap you now.”

“Fair enough,” Loki said, pulling the Tesseract from its place in his pocket space, “Gotta catch me though.”

“Wait, what?”

Loki rolled higher in initiative and used the Tesseract to - once again - teleport the fuck away from his problems.

-

Loki was lying back in a large bean bag, her feet planted firmly on the ground and legs spread wide. With the god-like power of an infinity stone at her disposal, she was able to hold the book she was reading above her head without her hands, trying to figure out how magic worked in this world and a spell that could help her track down Thor.

She had never been in a place that gave the public access to such a wide number of magical resources. Any one could just walk into a bookstore and learn how to create fire.

It took her a moment to notice the cold. It didn't bother her, sure, but she wasn't as oblivious as to not notice a twenty degree drop in temperature (celsius, obviously, she wasn't a monster). A low fog crept slowly along the ground, and Loki shut her book with an exaggerated sigh, tossing it into her pocket dimension.

At her feet, the fog began to swirl around and around, creating a small circle where there wasn't any. It grew taller and taller until suddenly the fog dissipated, revealing the Raven Queen’s emissary.

Loki had also read up on them a little. Death, grim reapers, fancy asshats. Even if she got caught by this dude, then what? She'd get thrown in ghost jail? Loki had escaped death twice before, she could do it again. Even if this time death had jailers.

“Dude,” Loki said with a high amount of exasperation.

The reaper looked at her with the look Thor usually gave her when she plunged a dagger into his abdomen: a tired and disappointed one. “Did you really think disguising yourself as a woman could let you escape me? I feel like there's definitely something iffy about that, right?”

“I'm not disguised, I'm a girl right now. I shifted my appearance to accommodate that, I don't need a disguise.”

The reaper looked as close to flustered as a skeleton could be. “By the Queen, the was really shitty of me, huh?”

“Kinda,” Loki shrugged, “It's cool though, I'll forgive you if you stop chasing after me.”

“Look, I'm really sorry I undermined your gender identity like that but you've still escaped the astral plane twice.”

Loki put her hands behind her back and began reaching for the magic that would summon the Tesseract into her hands. “That's fair. At least tell me your name though? You have mine.”

The reaper pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, but obliged. “It's Kravitz.”

Loki felt the weight of the Tesseract suddenly in her hand. “Cool, cool. Catch you on the flip side, Krav.”

Loki was able to catch the moment Kravitz’s realisation set in and quicker than Loki thought possible, he had summoned his scythe and slam dunked it down on Loki.

The Tesseract just activated quick enough and Loki reappeared somewhere safe and laughed. This reaper was almost as fun to piss off as Thor.

-

The next time Kravitz showed up, Loki had had the time to become an expert in the planar system (or, enough to realise that he wasn't from this one), the raven queen, and figured out a couple first levels spells from several different schools of magic. Which was to say, Kravitz took about a day and a half to show up again, this time with friends.

With three reapers against him, Loki decided to turn invisible and leave an illusion in his place before quickly removing himself from the danger zone.

“I believe I should be introduced?” Illusion Loki said.

“Lup, Barry.” Said the woman, pointing to herself and then the man beside her. She summoned her scythe. “See yah.”

With impressive speed, she launched herself forward and cut clean through Loki’s illusion. Loki made it grin before it disappeared.

“Fuck,” Lup said, “We've been punked.”

“They're still here,” Kravitz replied, “Let's spread out.”

The other two nodded and Loki took great satisfaction in watching as all three of them split up and wandered in any direction but his.

He followed Kravitz like a baby duck for a while as the reaper walked around in circles, trying to find the location of Loki’s soul.

Lup mentioned that she was popping over to the ethereal plane to see if he used blink.

Loki grinned. Kravitz was wandering around in circles, Lup was looking in the wrong place, Barry was…

Where was Barry?

Before Loki could look around, he felt a sharp pain in his back and was pushed forwards. He crashed to the ground, putting his hands in front of his face to protect it.

His hands were translucent. He looked back in time to see his real body turn visible and crumple to the ground. “Fuck.”

“Yeah,” Barry said as he let his scythe disappear, “true sight.”

Loki knew he was caught, one soul was something the three reapers could probably control rather easily.

Lup reappeared and saw that Barry had successfully ghostified him. She held up her hand for a high five. “Nice work, babe.”

Barry high fived her. Kravitz slunk up by their sides and faked disgust. “Wow, get a room, guys. We're on the job.”

Lup stuck out her tongue at the other reaper before she looked at Loki with a menacing grin. “Get ready for some fucking eternal jail time, dude.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some social plugs:  
> Writing tumblr: professionaldumbbitch  
> Instagram: _kawtch_


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